


Bad Romance

by youreyestheyglow



Series: Christmas Stories 2k15 [2]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: M/M, Smut, ass eating, childhood enemies, twist ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-04 20:45:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5347964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youreyestheyglow/pseuds/youreyestheyglow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hisoka and Illumi met when they were kids, and somehow, they never stopped meeting up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bad Romance

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kiboutozetsubou](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiboutozetsubou/gifts).



> Kiboutozetsubou requested HisoIllu ass eating. This is it.

We met when we were young.

“What are you doing here?” Asked the boy with the big eyes.

I straightened. He’d seen me. And I’d been so sure I was doing better at hiding.

Never mind.

I assumed a certain pose: relaxed, hands on hips, one hip jutting out to the side. I found that it threw people off. It was a relaxed pose, and it scared people. People expected something more confrontational, or at least something that made me look prepared, and all they got was sass. It was like screaming _CONFIDENCE_ at my opponent, but subtler, and I was beginning to appreciate subtlety, even at that youthful age.

But enough about me. We’re not here to talk about me.

I had pushed my way through the testing gates and climbed Kukuroo mountain to find a Zoldyck. It was my greatest dream; at the time, they were the family that warranted my attention, as they were the ones I heard spoken of in quiet, fearful tones. I wanted to fight them.

It appeared I had found one.

He had big eyes.

It could have been cute; big eyes are certainly childish. But it wasn’t cute. He stared me down like he knew I thought he was cute and he didn’t care, and was really wondering if he could tie the kitchen trashbag onto my dead body, so that when he threw my corpse over the gates he could save the butlers a trip to the dumpster and gain their favor, which could lead to conflicts of loyalty amongst the servants and cause chaos. It was wonderful. I thought it was cute.

In any case, he wasn’t wearing the black suit of a butler, and there couldn’t possibly be anyone else on this mountain, so I knew he had to be a Zoldyck.

“What am I doing here?” I drawled, and instantly decided that a drawl wasn’t for me. It certainly didn’t produce the right effect. I had been practicing on the children in my village, but they cried at _everything_ , so I couldn’t be sure. Here, though – here was a kid with good taste. He didn’t like the drawl, so it had to go. “I’m looking for you,” I said with arched eyebrows and a Mona Lisa smile.

That got a reaction, and I instantly decided that it would have to be my go-to look. I hoped to perfect a number of them, but it could be my first.

“Looking for _me_? Do I know you? Have I killed one of your family members?” He had tamped down on his surprise quickly, but not quickly enough. A Zoldyck-in-training. I could take him out on my way to meet his father.

“Not that I know of, although it would be interesting to figure out. Have you ever considered creating a family tree of those you’ve assassinated, and killing your way through all the relatives?”

“I only kill for money.”

“Never for fun?”

“The fun is in watching members of the human race pay me to kill another member of their species.”

“I like the way you think.”

“That’s unfortunate.”

“I disagree.”

I smiled at him. He didn’t smile back. I didn’t find it particularly off-putting. I couldn’t imagine him smiling. I had a feeling it would require actively ripping most of the muscles in his face, and I wasn’t ready to ruin such a perfect face for such an idiotic reason. I knew the two of us weren’t the kind of people who relied on societal expectations. We were the kind of people who enjoyed fighting. And yet, he refused to fight unless he was getting paid. It seemed a sad existence to me.

I sprung at him.

He sidestepped, and I kicked out as I flew past, landing a blow to his chest.

He didn’t go down.

I knew then, at the tender age of 14, that I would follow this man to the ends of the earth if he asked me to.

“I don’t fight unless I’m being paid.”

“I enjoy fighting you.”

“We haven’t fought. You’ve attacked.”

“And I enjoyed it.”

He turned his back on me and walked away without a word.

I assumed my relaxed pose once more and watched him go. I knew he’d be able to feel my eyes on him until he left my sight.

 

When I came back a year later, the doorman smiled. I could hear him on the phone inside the little gatehouse: “Tell Master Illumi that his young friend has returned.”

I opened two gates, that time.

I walked straight and found him after a quarter of a mile. He moved quickly.

“Illumi.”

“You know my name.”

“Your doorman said it.”

“Ah. I’ll have to soundproof the walls.”

“That would be a good choice.”

“I’m glad you approve.”

We stood in silence for a minute before I realized that he had absolutely no intention of asking my name, because he clearly had never been taught manners.

“If you plan on trying to fight me, I must insist that you do it now. I was hoping to have a certain necessary conversation with my brother.”

 _Trying_ to fight him.

I frowned.

If he didn’t _want_ to fight me, I could run in circles around him for an hour, get in three blows, and not get a response.

I waved Illumi down. “I’ll go fight your brother. Maybe I can make him tell me how to make you fight.”

And then he was in my face, and his big eyes were scary. “You will not touch my brothers.”

And I could _feel_ the power coming off him in _waves_.

I knew that this would make or break our relationship. This moment, right here.

I could back off. Acknowledge his dominance and let him calm down. I wouldn’t get to fight him, but I could always come back.

Of course, if I did that, he’d always have the upper hand. I wouldn’t be able to threaten, because I wouldn’t be believable.

He would always dominate me.

 _Well_.

I didn’t know what I wanted. Would it be fun to let him dominate me? Would it be fun to let him think he’d won, and then come back and gain the upper hand, and force him down from his dominant position?

I was absolutely sure that if I took any longer than a split second to decide, he would think I was scared.

I gave him my trademark smile and said: “ _Stop me_.”

We were whizzing through the trees, evenly matched for speed, and I was impressed and he was – scared? Shocked? Nervous? Unused to being evenly matched in anything by someone who wasn’t a family member, at least.

It was a game.

I was going to get to his house, and he was going to stop me.

We got into a few skirmishes on the way, of course. They were fast. Punches were thrown, kicks were aimed, but very few blows actually met their mark. And then we were on the move again, him trying to cut me off, me making my way doggedly towards his home. I was laughing under my breath. Illumi was expressionless, but the anger coming off of him in waves was delicious.

It ended when we reached his front door.

My hand was at his throat, his nails threatened to disembowel me, and we stared into each other’s eyes.

“Don’t fight a battle you can’t win,” he said, lips barely moving.

“I’ve never fought a battle I could lose,” I informed him, barely breathing.

We stood there at a perfect standstill for thirty – forty – fifty seconds.

And then we both disengaged.

“Return next year. I’d like to beat you properly.”

I might have been licking my lips, but he didn’t react. “I’ll let you get stronger, so that when I beat you, I’ll know I can take out your brothers without any trouble.”

I felt his anger flare, but I was on my way down the mountain already, and we were evenly matched. He wouldn’t be able to catch me after a second-long head start.

 

I returned a year later, a new skill under my belt, and as soon as I opened the first three gates I could feel that he’d learned the same thing.

I saw his aura flare as I approached. “Manipulator?”

“Of course. Transmuter?”

“What else? I hope your brothers are home.”

Our second real fight began in a wave of anger.

He kept trying to stab me with needles. It was all I could do to keep them off my skin.

“What _is_ that?”

I gave him my Mona Lisa smile. “My aura has the properties of both rubber and gum. I call it Bungee Gum.” And I wondered…

“Why do you keep taking my needles? I can see that your Bungee Gum is attached to them, you know. If you’re hoping to pull them back and stab me with them, it won’t work.”

“Why not?”                                                            

“When I stab people with them, they’re forced to obey me until they die. Stabbing me with them will do nothing but put me under my own power, and of course, that is already the case.”

“You want me to obey you until I die?”

“Of course.”

I stopped a needle three millimeters away from my face and flung it back at him, Bungee Gum attached.

He let it hit his shoulder, precisely as I had known he would. He wanted me to know that his own power could never be used against him.

I stopped fighting my Gum and let it pull me forward.

My fist slammed into his face.

It got dirty after that, because we were on the ground, in the dirt.

I jumped up on a tree.

Illumi dug a hole, and I jumped down after him, and found that he’d dug into a trench. He pulled down half a ton of dirt on top of me, and I jumped out of the way, and then he was in front of me, grabbing me by the front of my shirt and dragging me into a tree.

I pushed him out of it.

He tossed needles, I made Bungee Gum shields – it was all good fun.

I left when we came to another standstill.

 

I continued to return on our anniversary every year. It was all wonderfully entertaining. It turned me on like nothing else, even though there was no real anger behind it anymore. Illumi knew I was there for him, not for his brothers. I knew that if I ever went through the kind of training he’d gone through, rather than my own inconsistent learning process, I’d beat him. But he was willing to fight me, and I was willing to fight him, and it was a good learning experience.

And, really, we were in a relationship by then. We had an anniversary.  

Our relationship progressed quickly, considering how rarely we met.

“What’s your name?”

“Not telling.”

We exchanged a few blows.

“It would be polite to introduce yourself.”

“It would’ve been polite to ask five years ago.”

A needle grazed my shoulder. Illumi narrowly escaped a cage of Bungee Gum. I resolved never to use that one. If it had worked, he would’ve been stuck in there, which wouldn’t have been any fun at all.

“I’m an evil magician who would like to remain anonymous.”

“Oh? A magician?”

The next year, he greeted me by name before dropping into a trench. I began to wonder if the mountain was riddled with the things, prepared for a war that would never come. If an army ever came through here and got past Mike, the Zoldycks could use guerrilla tactics to fight them, and the younger ones could escape. If Zoldycks let their kids escape anything.

“How’d you find me?” I asked as I pulled out a deck of cards and began firing them into the trench. Illumi’s needles had given me the idea, and I was happy with it. Bungee Gum has never been an offensive tactic.

“You said you were a magician. I assumed there couldn’t be very many magicians of your caliber and appearance, and went looking for you. My father allowed me to take a month off. I used it as training. You were very difficult to find. I was impressed.”

I sighed. I’d been so sure I’d been doing better at hiding.

 

The years brought further revelations with them. For instance: Illumi only ever showed _me_ his emotions. He fought with them closed off, of course, but when we gave up and sat in a tree and resolved to beat each other next year, he would let down his guard. I discovered that I was the only one with that privilege. If even the dog came by, Illumi would put up his guard again. Other people only got to see Illumi’s aura when he was using it to intimidate. I got to see it on a yearly basis.

Another revelation: Illumi based his fashion choices off of mine. The year after I wore a purple jacket, he wore a purple jacket. The year I discovered crop tops was the final year he wore a full-length shirt. He never did take to makeup, unfortunately, but when I began doing my hair so that it stuck up behind me – it looked quite fetching that way, if I do say so myself – he created a disguise with a Mohawk. I like to think that he recognized that I was older and wiser, and that he should therefore follow my lead in terms of fashion.

My final revelation: Illumi was just as attracted to me as I was to him, albeit in a detached way.

When I was 22 and he was 18, he looked at me and said: “I’ve been wondering what it would be like to kiss you. I think it could be interesting.”

“Have you ever kissed anyone before?”

I felt and understood the disgust in his aura. I had kissed precisely two people before, and I had ended up killing both of them. There were so few people who were worthy of our interest, and those who were, never managed to stay that way. The two I had kissed had shown such promise, and had let it all slip away.

“I’m willing to be your first kiss, if that’s what you’d like.”

I held his gaze.

He leaned forward.

It was awkward, as first kisses tend to be, and made worse by the fact that neither of us closed our eyes.

We sat back against the tree.

“That was bad,” Illumi decided after a minute or two.

“It could’ve been worse,” I said with a shrug. “You could’ve been kissing someone else.”

“The problem was you.”

It took a moment for that to settle in. “Excuse you?”

“You were trying to be normal. You should know by now that _normal_ doesn’t matter to me. Kiss me again and do a good job this time.”

The order was given in a tone that brooked no argument, and blood rushed to my penis so fast I felt lightheaded for a minute.

I grabbed him by the hair and twisted his head to face me.

I could feel him choosing not to resist – choosing to submit to me – and I wasn’t sure if it was habit to let me feel what he felt or if he thought it would drive me forward, but either way, in that moment, I couldn’t have done _normal_ if I’d wanted to.

I bit his lower lip, I tugged his mouth open, I pushed my tongue inside his mouth and let him taste me. And _I_ tasted _him_. And he tasted _delicious_.

When I opened my eyes, his eyes were closed.

We reclined back against the tree trunk.

I watched out of the corner of my eye as he licked his lips.

“Much better.”

 

After that, our fights stopped having real endings.

There is a distinct possibility that in one of the subsequent years, one of us could have beaten the other. I don’t know which of us would win, but perhaps one of us had learned something in our year apart that could win the fight. Of course, most of our most useful tactics were learned fighting each other. I came up with Texture Surprise as a way to hide cards from him. He discovered the limits and the potential of his needlemen fighting against me.

I was depressed about it for a little while, of course. A real fight – full of anger and hatred and bloodlust – is different from a fight for the sake of learning from each other.

But our fights never ended properly anyway.

Generally, they ended with our mouths pressed together, noses bumping cheeks, hands pulling at hair. I don’t know which one of us ended up sitting in the other’s lap more often. It was probably about even. I couldn’t decide which I liked better. His thighs next to mine, the entire weight of his body on my lap, pressing me against the tree? Or my hands pushing his shoulders against rough bark, my weight pinning him to the ground while he squeezed my waist? It didn’t matter. We switched off often enough that I didn’t have to choose.

Things changed before the Hunter Exam.

He was lying on the ground, knees bent, with me sitting on him, bent over in a particularly unflattering position so I could kiss him.

He put a hand on my chest, and I pulled back.

He considered me.

I considered him.

I have no idea what I looked like, but I’m sure I looked good.

His pupils were blown out beyond their normal proportions. It felt a little like looking into a void. It was interesting.

“Have you ever had sex before?”

I raised my eyebrows. “Of course not.”

“No. You wouldn’t have. Would you want to have sex with me?”

I should’ve taken offense at the implication that no one would have sex with me, but I didn’t. My tastes ran to the powerful, and there were few powerful people whose tastes ran to magicians. It was truly unfortunate. So instead of bothering to be offended, I considered his question. It took me approximately one-quarter of a second to come to the conclusion that yes, I would like to have sex with him, and I’m sure he sensed it in my aura, because he tipped me off of him and jumped up in the same movement.

He extended a hand towards me. “If I’m going to have sex, I suppose it should be with you. We’ll go back to my room.”

I took his hand and we jumped into the air, headed in the direction of his bedroom.

He had lube and condoms set out on his bedside table.

I applauded his foresight and preparation.

I looked at him.

He was looking at me.

Two virgins in a room is always one too many.

Ah, well, I was older than he was. And I’ve never been particularly shy.

I pulled off my shirt. And my undershirt. And my shoes. And my pants. And Illumi imitated every move I made, apparently deciding that I knew what I was doing.

He sat down on his bed, and that was fine by me. I almost expected him to pat the covers next to him and invite me for a chat. He didn’t. I was mildly disappointed.

I kneeled between his legs, because standing in front of him with my dick wagging in his face felt much too awkward. If I’d tried to look down at him I’d have had a double chin, and I couldn’t have _that_. I could accept it if he had a double chin, though. That was all right.

He wasn’t anywhere near hard. I couldn’t believe it. He had _me_ sitting _naked_ between his legs and he wasn’t turned on? Well. I’d just have to fix that.

Presumably, kissing someone’s thighs would be a good starting point, but this was Illumi. I’d tried to be nice once and he’d called me a bad kisser.

I bit the inside of his knee and worked my way up his thigh, biting and licking and sucking as I saw fit. When I got close to his dick, I switched to his other leg.

He was hard by the time I licked straight up his dick.

I stood, leaning over him and pushing him backwards until I could crawl onto the bed between his legs.

I kissed him as I rocked my hips.

His breathing was getting heavier.

“Illumi,” I whispered, “you have to tell me what you want. Or what you don’t want. Or I’ll do it all.”

He hooked his ankles around my hips and considered me. “You know not to leave any marks in visible places. You won’t kill me. I trust you. Do what you want.”

It took a moment to sink in.

Illumi was giving me permission to do _whatever I wanted_.

Heat shot through every vein in my body.

I freed myself from his legs. “Roll over.”

He obeyed without hesitation and I nearly came right then and there. Illumi Zoldyck was rolling over for me, propping his ass in the air at the smallest touch of my fingers, and I was lightheaded for the first time in my life.

That, by the way, was the moment that confirmed something I had believed all my life: that I, at heart, was a dom.

“Illumi.”

I murmured his name against his perfect, _perfect_ ass. _Beautiful_. “ _Illumi._ ” I bit him, hard. Whenever he sat down for the next week, I wanted him to think of me, and I wanted him to hate me, and next time we fought, I wanted him to remember this – to remember using his Zoldyck training to hide the fact that I’d bitten him there – and there – and there. And was that a moan I heard?

I gripped a good handful of firm, muscular, Zoldyck ass in each hand and spread his buttocks.

I could feel him shiver.

I circled his asshole with my tongue.

Oh, yes.

That was _definitely_ a moan I heard. 

Circle and thrust, circle and thrust, circle and thrust, until Illumi – terrifying, controlled, manipulative, intimidating, homicidal Illumi – was quivering, toes curled, back arched, face shoved into his mattress to keep him quiet, because he was whining, and I do believe he said my name once or twice. Possibly three times, but there’s no real way to verify that third time, so I’ll say he said my name twice.

Of _course_ I was ready to explode by the time I kissed his ass once more and licked a stripe up his spine.

Rubbing my dick against the curve of his butt was a religious experience. I could forget everything up to and including my own name, but I’d remember Illumi’s ass.

“I’m going to finger you open, if you don’t mind.”

He nodded.

“Illumi,” I said with a hum, “use your words.”

Oh, _yes. There_ was the animosity I’d been missing. It flooded forth from him in a sludgy wave. 

“Do it,” he instructed his mattress.

I kissed his neck and groped for the lube. It took a minute, but I found it. I poured some on my fingers and reached down between our bodies, not even bothering to try and warm it up before I rubbed circles around his asshole.

He rocked back against my fingers and I nearly broke one of his only two rules and bit his neck. Honestly, I could just cover it up with Texture Surprise, but maybe he was worried it wouldn’t hold up if he needed to change forms. We would have to experiment with that later. It was suddenly very important.

I slid in one finger. Illumi didn’t even care. I wrapped my free arm around his waist to pull him against me, and nearly collapsed in shock when he groped for my hand and threaded his fingers through mine.

Sentimentality, or severe need to orgasm? Probably the latter.

I slid in a second. I began scissoring my fingers. I slid in a third.

“ _Hisoka_.”

If that raggedy, pleading, frustrated, hateful cry didn’t go straight to my dick, I don’t know what could’ve managed to.

I had a condom on and lubed up within a quarter of a second, and then I was sliding into Illumi, and I was happy.

I didn’t bother going slow. I decided that I could experiment with orgasm delay in the future, but at that moment, it was a little harder than I had anticipated.

I used the hand that Illumi was holding to jerk him off. I think it did as much for him as it did for me.

I fucked him until he shuddered and let out a cry, stifled within a moment – but his entire body stiffened, and I bit his shoulder, and I shuddered with him, and for a moment, all I saw was white light.

We didn’t mean to cuddle after we both came, but that’s exactly what we did. Illumi kept his death grip on my hand, so I kept him in my arms. I think he closed his eyes. I know I felt him relax.

I kissed him once before I left, tasting him one more time.

I felt his eyes on me until I left Kukuroo mountain.

 

By that point, we’d met each other a grand total of 12 times. They’d been spread out over more than a decade, but it wasn’t much. What did he know about me, except that I was an incredibly good kisser with a great fashion sense? Nothing. Of course, the same was true for me; I knew nothing about him, either.

But we knew enough.

We agreed to work together during the Exam, since he was looking for his little brother and I was an extra set of eyes. I knew who he was on sight, of course, even though he had changed his appearance entirely; I would know his aura from half the world away, but Killua didn’t know Nen at all, and only knew what an aura was when Illumi was actively manipulating him.

We had sex three times during the exam; two of the three times were in a tree.

That isn’t to say that we are, or ever were, in an exclusive relationship. It was assumed that we essentially were, by virtue of the fact that Illumi was hardly willing to have sex with anyone else and hardly anyone else was willing to have sex with me, but it was never stated. It didn’t matter that we split up after that to work on our own projects, but it was assumed that if I needed him he was at my disposal, and vice versa. When he helped me, I paid him in rimjobs. When I helped him, he paid me by letting me give him rimjobs. We were happy.

He didn’t stop me from hunting down Chrollo, but when I got back, I could feel his disapproval. I had left him and Killua and Gon to get into trouble. And he'd missed me. I don't think he knew it. I don't think he knows what that feeling feels like, not well enough to identify it. But I know he did.

He shouldn’t have worried. I’d missed him. I’d missed his smell, and his aura, and his fingers, and his eyes, and of course I’d missed his ass. And it felt good to stand next to a body I knew perfectly, down to the veins on the back of his left hand.

You know, for all that I absolutely adore Illumi, and as fun as it is to keep Killua around, I’ve still considered killing Killua to arouse Illumi’s wrath. His bloodlust is an incredible aphrodisiac.

I haven’t done it, though.

Sacrificing our relationship for the sake of one glorious fight would be a waste.

At the very least, we’re lovers.

At most, I think I may just love him. 

* * *

 

“So. Does that answer your question?”

Cheadle looks like she’d died several hours ago. Beans looks as horrified as he possibly could, considering the fact that he has a jellybean as a face. Neither of them appear capable of responding.

“No, I’m not friends with him. You got that, correct?”

I wait.

If neither of them intend to pay attention to this interview, I really can’t be blamed for ending it.

“Bungee Gum, release.”

My manacles fall to the floor, followed by Cheadle’s eyes.

“I broke them sometime during my incredibly titillating remembrance of Illumi’s asshole, if I recall properly. I assumed you wouldn’t notice.”

I reach forward and pluck the unfinished notes out of Beans’ hands. “I suppose it would be a waste to kill you,” I muse. “The last election was tiresome. The only reason it was even remotely interesting was because Illumi stepped in and saved the day.” I pause for a reaction. There is none. I shrug. I shouldn’t have expected much from them, really. “I’m sure this was absolutely useless. You could probably tell your hunters that Illumi’s weak spot is his prostate, but I doubt it would help. And I’m sure you won’t reveal my name in connection with the matter. I’d like to remain anonymous.” I execute a sweeping bow.

One of Cheadle’s fingers twitches. Perhaps she’s coming around.

Ah, well. It’s too late. I leap out the window.

The past couple days had been fun. They’d brought me into custody with perfect secrecy. They’d kept me chained up the entire time, even managing to ignore how much I adored them for it. They’d brought me up to talk to the Chairman and asked me to tell them everything I knew about Illumi. I took my revenge. Now, though – now it’s time to rejoin him. It won’t be hard to hunt him down. He’s always been good at hiding, but he’s never bothered to hide from me. I want to know what he’s doing next. It’ll almost definitely be interesting enough to keep me from getting bored. 

* * *

 

_I’m facing the wrong direction, I know, but the city beneath my feet is interesting, and there’s no need to keep an eye out for Hisoka – he’ll come. It’s not like I bother hiding from him, if I ever had the ability to in the first place._

_I’m not entirely sure what I want to do next. Track down Killua and Alluka, certainly. But I don’t have to do that right away. It would probably be better if I let them believe I’d given up on them, although Killua will never let down his guard. I trained him well, even if he doesn’t appreciate it._

_I can hear Hisoka coming. He doesn’t bother hiding from me anymore._

_He appears by my side, hip cocked out in his favorite pose._

_“What next?” He asks._

_“No idea. Are you coming?”_

_He grins. Leans forward and kisses me, quick. Soft. “Of course.”_

_I consider him for a moment._

_Do I need him? Of course not._

_Do I want him?_

_I take his hand and we jump, descending on the city like falling angels._

_Do I want him?_

_Oh, yes._


End file.
